


House in Suburbia: Part I

by totallynotnatalie



Category: GWA - Fandom, Original Work, gonewildaudio - Fandom
Genre: Cabin in the Woods But With Porn, Comedy, Failed Seduction, Multi, Parody, Playing with Steorotypes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:49:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28173462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totallynotnatalie/pseuds/totallynotnatalie
Summary: It 's Cabin in the Woods, but the cast needs to complete a porn ritual to save the world rather than a porn ritual. The crew's attempts fail as they slowly learn to deny their stereotypical roles. Is the fate of the world doomed? It depends on whether any of them can seduce the girl before time runs out.Cast:John: The manager of the ritual crew. Straight-man. He is a high-strung perfectionist that wants to get the job done.Greg: Dad attitude with a dad body. Good guy with a lot of patience and a good sense of humor.Brad: Typically apathetic 20 year-old jock who nonetheless enjoys Harry Potter and has no idea how to seduce women.Irwin: Nerd with a bit of INCEL brain. Meant to poke fun at the idea. Nothing too dramatic and he learns to overcome it as the series progresses.Damien: Prince of Darkness. Need I say more?
Relationships: MMMMM4A





	House in Suburbia: Part I

**Author's Note:**

> This is a script for the GWA subreddits. Please contact me before posting a recording of this work anywhere else.
> 
> This content is intended for 18+ audiences only.
> 
> Feel free to modify the script to meet your needs.

[MMMMM4A] House in Suburbia: Part I [Comedy][Failed Seduction][Cabin in the Woods But With Porn][Parody][No Actual Sex][Banter][Playing With Stereotypes]  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Synopsis:

It is Cabin in the Woods, but the cast needs to complete a porn ritual to save the world rather than a porn ritual. The crew's attempts fail as they slowly learn to deny their stereotypical roles. Is the fate of the world doomed? It depends on whether any of them can seduce the girl before time runs out. 

Notes: If people want to record their parts separately for this, let me know. I'm happy to edit everybody's lines together.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Cast:  
John: The manager of the ritual crew. Straight-man. He is a high-strung perfectionist that wants to get the job done. 

Greg: Dad attitude with a dad body. Good guy with a lot of patience and a good sense of humor. 

Brad: Typically apathetic 20-year-old jock who nonetheless enjoys Harry Potter and has no idea how to seduce women. 

Irwin: Nerd with a bit of INCEL brain. Meant to poke fun at the idea. Nothing too dramatic and he learns to overcome it as the series progresses. 

Damien: Prince of Darkness. Need I say more?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Background Noise]

John: Okay, alright people. Settle down. Settle down. 

(pause)

John: Alright, quiet! This is serious. The Swedes somehow fail their mission this year, so the pressure is on us. 

Greg: What? How? 

John (irritated): I have no idea! I mean how hard can it be to get two blondes to make-out with each together? They already kiss to say hello. All anybody had do was move the damn girls' faces closer together. Honestly..

John (upbeat): But no matter! As long as we succeed in our mission, all be well. And, as a reminder, we have the highest success rate in the world. So, don't let me down team. The fate of the world depends on it. 

(dramatic pause)

John: Now let's review the mission. As you can see on the screen, the lovely miss Katie will playing the part of our virgin. And she's absolutely perfect for the role. Perfect 19-year-old body with those big beautiful titties to fill it out. She's brunette of course, because she's a virgin. But she still comes with a total of four genital piercings. 

(pause)

John: I'm.....not quite sure why all of the virgins they give us have genital piercings. (optimistic) But it works out well for us. 

Damien: *laugh* Girls like always have dark side. 

Brad: Whatever bro. How do they even know that, anyway? Are they watching this chick get dressed every morning? That's creepy as shit.

Irwin: It's not creepy. It's thorough. 

John: Yes, HR does their research. This girl was careful chosen for her....(reaching for words) erm form. She has to match the stereotype otherwise the ritual won't work. Now, be quiet before I tell your father that he's been wasting time bribing me into given you this internship. 

Brad: Whatever, man. 

Irwin (exciting): Actually, the data collection is really quite fascinating. First, they find all the girls in region of the correct age and then they...*sigh* nobody else cares about this do they? 

Greg: No. Please shut up. 

John: Now, this darling little virgin needs to lose her innocence by the end of the night. And it has to be consensual. If she says no, then the ritual won't work. 

Brad: But non-con is hot, man. 

Damien: We could take her under cover of darkness. 

John: For the last time, all of you shut up! Our region doesn't cover the non-con ritual. So, we have to take a more subtle approach. As you can see from the monitor, the afternoon team managed to lure her into the house across the street. It's Greg's old place. And he was ever so kind as to set up cameras everywhere so that we can watch her every move. 

John: (laugh) She's thinks that she's just doing Greg a favor by being his last minute babysitter. But we all know that her night is about to get a little more interesting. 

(pause)

John: Wait a minute, Greg did you remember to drug your kid? We need the brat out of the way for this. 

Greg: Um, just dropped him off at his grandma's and put a pillow underneth his blanket. 

John: *sigh* Well, close enough I guess. But you better hope that she doesn't try to check on him. We cannot blow our cover. 

Greg: I know. I just...it felt weird to drug my child? 

Damien: Why? Got to start them young. 

Greg: What? 

John: Ignore him. It's fine. But the kid will be a lot worse than drugged if this doesn't work. Now, please tell me that you at least managed to steal her purse? 

Greg: Yep, got it. Credit cards and everything. 

John: Excellent. Now she won't have the money to pay our pizza delivery boy. And...we all know what we'll happen next.

Brad: Dude, what do ya think that the first thing that she is gonna do is drop her panties? Shit like that don't happen in real life. 

John (annoyed): Because...Greg spiked every single drink in the fridge with the most powerful aphrodisiac known to man. 

Brad: Those green M&Ms are the shit, yo. 

John: *And* because our pizza delivery boy happens to be extremely attractive. 

Brad: What? You mean me? 

John: Unfortunately, yes. As dense as you are, you're young and hot. And right now, we need somebody young and hot. 

Brad: Thanks, bro. 

Irwin: Oh my god, he's such a Chad. 

Brad (confused): But my name is Brad...

Irwin: But you act like Chad. Some air-headed fool that somehow has every girl falling at his feet. 

Brad: Aw, thanks man. 

John: It wasn't a compliment. Now Brad, listen closely. I'm going to give you very simple instructions. All you have to do is take this pizza box across the street and, when she gets all flustered because she can't pay you, seduce her. 

Brad: I don't know, man. What if I mess it up? 

John: Don't worry. You'll be fine. Just wear this ear piece. It looks like an ear ring, but it will let us hear what you're saying and give you advice. Keep in mind that it's not sensitive enough to pick up on what she's saying, so be careful. 

Brad: So, you'll tell me what to do? 

John: If we have to, but hopefully we won't. 

Greg: Just be yourself, son. You'll do fine. 

Brad: Alright, if you say so...

John: Relax. Just take the pizza box and head over there. 

Brad: Okay...Hey, wait. There's no pizza in here. 

John (annoyed): Of course there's not. You idiot. The pizza box is just ploy to get you inside. Have you ever seen a porno in your goddamn life?

Brad: Bro, I know. But what if she's hungry afterward? She might want to relax and have a slice in bed. 

John (annoyed): What she wants afterward is irrelevant! The ritual only requires that you fuck her. So, do that. I don't care what happens afterward. I don't care how fast you do it. I don't care if she enjoys it. Just shove your penis into her vagina somehow. 

Brad: Wow, man. You must be awful in bed. 

Greg: (laughing) The kid has a point. 

Irwin: Maybe he's less of a Chad than I thought. 

John (annoyed): I'm a perfectly fine lover when the fate of the world isn't at sake. Giving this girl a good time shouldn't be high on our priority list right now. Do you all know what should be high on that list? 

Damien: Completing the ritual so that the world can continue its meaningless circle of ennui for another year?

(pause)

John: Close enough. Chad...Sorry, Brad. Go. We'll be in your ear if you need anything. 

[Door Closing]

Greg: Relax, John. I'm sure the kid will do fine. 

Irwin: Yeah, don't worry. Stacys always love their Chad. She'll probably be all over him before he even walks in the door. 

Greg: I thought the girl was named Katie? 

John: Ssh. All of you be quiet. Chad is at her door. 

Greg: Brad.

John: Quiet! 

Brad: Hey, um. Here's the pizza that you ordered. It's pepperoni. I think? I mean you ordered pepperoni right? 

Irwin: Jeez, even I'm not this awkward. 

Greg: Sssh. Give the kid a chance. 

Brad: Oh, you can't find your purse? Well, how about I come in and help you look for it? 

John: Brad, be more seductive. Come on, make her want you. 

Brad: (seductive tone) Oh don't worry, babe. I'm a Hufflepuff and we're exceptionally good finders. 

Irwin: Sexy.

Damien: Play nice Irwin. That line would have worked on you. 

John: (annoyed) Yet, somehow I doubt it will work her. 

Greg: It's fine. He's in the house at least. Brad, ask her if she left the purse in the bedroom. 

Brad: (seductive tone) Hey, babe. Any chance that you left the purse in the bedroom? 

Greg: See, back on track. 

Brad: Well, I know that you never went in the bedroom. But. Um. Maybe the kid that you were watching was playing with it and left it in there? 

John: Dammit, she's still not horny enough. Greg, why didn't you leave that bowl of green M&Ms out like I told you?

Greg (sarcastic): Yes, because leaving a giant bowl of exclusively green M&Ms on the coffee table wouldn't draw suspicion at all. 

Irwin: Also, you realize that the whole green M&Ms make you horny thing is a myth, right? You should have left out a bowl of Maca-that's been scientifically proven to work. 

Greg (sarcastic): Yeah, that would been perfect. My kid had a Maca themed birthday party last week, so I had a bunch of leftovers. 

Irwin: Really?

Greg: No. 

Brad (nervous): Oh um, how did I know that you were babysitting? Well, I just assumed. I mean hot girls like you wouldn't spend a night alone unless they were working, right? 

John: And she's also too smart. Dammit, why didn't HR just get a blonde. It would have been so much easier. 

Damien: Actually they should have just gotten a girl with a dye job. Those girls are freaks! You wouldn't even need aphrodisiacs. 

Brad (panicked): No! Oh, um. I mean I know that the kid might have taken your purse, but you shouldn't wake him up to ask him. Um. You might never get him back to bed. 

Irwin: Now can I say that this isn't going well? Because this isn't going well. 

John: Brad, distract her. Take your shirt off. 

Brad: What?

John: Take your shirt off. 

Brad: Oh um, it's so hot in here. I hope you don't mind if I take my shirt off. 

Damien: Real subtle. 

John: We don't have time to be subtle. Besides, she's not freaking out. We still might have a chance at this. 

Brad: You know, if you're cold, I could always wrap my arms around to you keep you warm. 

John: Yes, Chad. You're doing great. 

Brad: It's Brad. 

John: Dammit.

Brad: Oh um, that's my name in case you were wondering. It's Brad. It just felt like a good time to tell you. You know since I want to keep you warm. 

Greg: Maybe next year we should enroll him in an improv class first. 

Damien: If there is a next year. 

Brad (panicked): No, I didn't mean to imply that. I just thought that you looked cold and I wanted to help. 

Damien: There is no saving this now. 

Brad: Oh you're actually hot. Um. Well, I think you're hot too?

John: Brad, no. Just get out of there before you get slapped in the face. 

Brad (quickly): Yeah, I guess you just meant that you were warm. You should probably turn the thermostat down. Anyway, I just realized that this pizza was actually for a different customer. I better go take it to them. It was great meeting you. Bye! 

[Door Slam]

John: Yeah, we're going to need a back-up plan.


End file.
